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Marriage
In Hmong culture, it isn’t acceptable to marry a person with the same clan name. A Hmong marriage implies an agreement between two clans and it is an important goal for most Hmong men and women. Traditionally, an unmarried woman was considered a disgrace because the family would miss out on establishing social relationships with other clans. Unlike in Laos, North American Hmong males often wait till they graduate from high school or college to marry; however, Hmong girls continue to marry in their middle teens. A Hmong marriage celebrates community and is practiced as closely as possible to the ways of the ancestors in China while also adjusting to the new options available here in North America. There are two types of wedding rituals in Hmong culture. One is the regular wedding (the “tshoob tog qws”), and the other is the wedding by request or influence of family and relatives (“the tshoob zawj”). Clan groups are exogamous: that is, Hmong may not marry within their own clan group; a marriage partner must be found from another clan. For example, a Xiong may not marry another Xiong. However, they are allowed to marry blood relatives, for example the children of a brother and sister can marry because they would be from different clans. Traditionally, when a boy wants to marry a girl, he will make his intentions clear, and will 'snatch'(zij) her during day light or night at any opportunity that is appropriate. This is traditionally only a symbolic kidnapping: the girl is allowed to refuse to go. It should be noted that this is an old tradition that is rarely practiced today in many Western Nations. The parents will not be told, but an envoy from the boy's clan will be sent to inform them of the whereabouts of their daughter and her safety. (Fi xov) When the girl arrives at her intended husband's house, the head of the household will perform a blessing ritual for the ancestors to ask them to accept her into the household. (Lwm qaib) She will not be allowed to visit anyone's house for three days after this. After three days, the parents of the husband will prepare the first wedding feast for the newlywed couple (Hu plig peb tag kis) and the couple will return to the girl's family's house at the end of the first wedding feast and then the girl family will prepare a second wedding feast at the girl's house, where they are married. (Noj tshoob) Hmong marriage customs differ slightly based on cultural subdivisions within the global Hmong community, but all require the exchange of a dowry from the husband’s family to the wife’s family. The amount is settled by negotiation of the elders of both families prior to the engagement and usually is paid in bars of silver or livestock. Today, it is also often settled in monetary terms. After the wedding, the girl will be given farewell presents and three sets of new clothes by her parents. She will also be given food for the journey. The couple leaves the wife's house and returns to the husband house where another party is held in celebration. (Tiam mej koob) 'Marriage Ceremony' Upon arrival of the marriage negotiators at the bride’s house, conversation is initiated with the parents. The four “mej koob” get acquainted with each other and begin to establish a mutual friendship prior to the wedding. The last step before the actual wedding is to negotiate the dowry price. There is a total of thirteen participants in the Hmong marriage. There are two wedding negotiators from each side (mej koob) who act as the messengers of the wedding. Obviously, the bride and groom are part of the wedding! But they are not the center of attention. The groom‘s role is more demanding than the bride’s simply because Hmong tradition demands that he take his oath of love in front of the bride’s parents and relatives. The bridesmaid and the best man are present. The bridesmaid’s task is to stay with the bride for two reasons. First, to make sure that the bride doesn’t try reconnecting with any ex-boyfriends; second, to make sure that the bride’s mother doesn’t try to change her daughter’s feelings. The best man is often the assistant in the wedding ritual. Two parents, one from each side, are in attendance. And usually, the distant brother or uncle of the bride’s father and the older brother or distant relative of the groom’s father are chosen to represent and act for the parents. Next in line are two brothers by relation. Their roles are to welcome the groom and if they do not fulfill their roles, there will be penalties. Lastly, one elder is present whose responsibility is to oversee the Hmong marriage ceremony. The parents of the bride have the option to prepare the wedding feast themselves or to give the task to the groom’s side of the family. Here, the groom’s mej koob will ask the bride’s mej koob if they would like a green pig (money) or a white pig (an actual pig). Traditionally, in Laos, the pig must be male and of a certain size. It is sacrificed in honour of the wedding celebration. During the feast, many toasts are made and this process can take up to five hours. After the wedding, the groom’s parents put together a feast for the people who were involved in the wedding. In the Hmong culture, the parents thank each individual by giving them a small amount of money as a token of appreciation. 'Divorce' Divorce is rare in traditional Hmong society. However, if a husband and wife do decide to divorce, the couple's clan groups will permit a divorce but will evaluate the situation fairly. If just the wife wants to divorce her husband without any firm grounds, the marriage dowry must be returned to the husband’s family, as the wife will be the one choosing to leave the household. If just the husband wants to divorce his wife without any firm grounds, the husband will have to come up some money to send the wife back to her family with all the children, as the husband will be the one choosing to leave the household. By tradition, the man and the woman have equal custody of all the children. If it is determined the wife had committed adultery, the husband will get custody of all the children; with the dowry and an additional fine. However, if it is determined the husband had committed adultery or married a second wife and the wife can not continue being part of the family, she will have the option to leaving her husband without paying back the dowry. Also, if the husband allows, she can take her children with her. If a divorced man dies, custody of any male children passes to his clan group. In traditional Chinese society, there are three major ways to dissolve a marriage.The first one is no-fault divorce. According to the legal code of the Tang Dynasty (618-907), a marriage may be dissolved due to personal incompatibility, provided that the husband writes a divorce note. The second way (義绝) is through a state-mandated annulment of marriage. This applies to when one spouse commits a serious crime (variously defined, usually defined more broadly for the wife) against the other or his/her clan. Finally, the husband may unilaterally declare a divorce. To be legally recognized, however, it must be based on one of the following seven reasons (七出): *The wife lacks filial piety towards her parents-in-law. This makes the parents-in-law capable of breaking a marriage against both partners' will. *She fails to bear a son *She is vulgar or lewd/adulterous *She is jealous *She has a vile disease (有惡疾). *She is gossipy *She commits theft Obviously, these reasons can be stretched quite a bit to suit the husband and his family. However there are three clearly defined exceptions (三不去), under which the unilateral divorce is disallowed, even if some of the above seven reasons exist: *She has no family to return to. *She had observed a full three-year mourning for a parent-in-law. *Her husband was poor when they married, and now is rich. Confucian To the Confucians, marriage is of grave significance both in family and in society. In the perspective of family, marriage can bring families of different surnames (different clans) together, and continue the family life of the concerned clans. Therefore, only the benefits and demerits of the clans, instead of the individual couples, are concerned in a marriage. Ancient Ways Parents Decide Partners In marriages among this ethnic group when parents decide marriage partners, the women are usually older than the men. When a girl is merely several years old, the parents of a boy would give a suit of skirt to the girl as a gift for her life. They are generally relatives. Until the woman is old enough to get married, the man's parents should give some money to the woman's parents. The woman’s parents in return should give an ox or a pig as the marriage gift so that the woman could raise it when she lives in the man's family. Free to Choose There are different forms of free marriage in the Miao ethnic group. The young men and women usually choose their partners by singing songs. If a man takes a fancy to a woman, he opens his umbrella to cover the woman. At the beginning, the man should sing songs to the woman to show his love. If the woman also has feelings for the man, she will sing songs in response. In the contrary, the woman will keep silent if she decides she is not interested in the man. The love songs are almost adapted to the depth of the love. At first, they usually ask about the natural conditions and social customs of their hometown. Gradually, they begin to talk about their names, ages and the family background. They try to make clear if they already have a lover. From songs to dialogues, they get to know each other gradually. And days later, they will decide on their relationship. If they find each other congenial, the man will ask his parents to ask a third party to make a proposal of marriage. If the parents don't allow the marriage, the woman will elope with her lover. Before the wedding, the man usually presents the woman with silver accessories such as silver neckbands. Other When a husband dies, it is his clan's responsibility to look after of the widow and children. The widow is permitted to remarry, in which case she would have two choices: she may marry one of her husband's younger brothers/ younger cousins (never to the older brothers)or she can marry anyone from the outside clan (beside her own). If she chooses to get re-married, the children are not required to stay unless the husband's brother and his family are willing to take care of the children. (This is mostly the practiced today in many Western Nations) Then once they go to the stepfather's side of the family there's a ritual ceremony where they will bring the kids into their spiritual clan or the children can choose between the two clans. Polygamy is not generally considered the ideal form of marriage among the Hmong, although it has been documented. However, it is increasingly rare among those Hmong who have migrated to Western nations.